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I believe

January 1, 2017

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With the start of a new year I resolve to resume my writing. My writer’s voice has been silent and buried for way too long and I am ready to reclaim my passion. Why now, after more than 2 years of silence? Because life is short and time is fleeting. Because I miss this. Because I am worth it and I owe it to myself. Because I owe it to my husband, who often asks my why I never write anymore. And because I want this for my daughter; the tiny miracle steadily growing inside of me. This morning we laughed as we felt her kicking and shifting around in my expanding belly. With every day that passes the reality hits me just a little bit more. She is real. She has finally manifested. Just as my precious grandma Rae predicted in one of my dreams several years ago, I have nearly crossed the bridge to becoming  a mother. She will soon arrive to join us; this tiny little soul growing stronger every day. It is clear from the photo I posted along with this blog entry, I took me about 7 home pregnancy tests to finally convince myself I was really and truly pregnant!

So many sunrises and sunsets, so many shifting tides and changing seasons have brought me to this point. There were moments of heartache and sadness so profound I wondered how on earth I might ever recover. There were glimmers of hope and optimism that propelled me forward and forced me to grow. And despite the many storms and roadblocks and challenges along this journey, I always knew I must keep my faith and hope for a miracle. I just could not allow myself stop believing. I simply had to believe.  The external/social pressure to abandon this path felt nearly paralyzing at times. Are you crazy? Why would you want to have a baby? I am so happy my children are grown and out of the house! You simply have NO IDEA what you are asking for. Babies change everything. They are so much work. There goes your life and your freedom. If you really want a kid, you can borrow mine anytime!  Why don’t you adopt an older child? Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Isn’t it selfish to have a child at your age? There were times I felt as if the entire universe was fighting against me. My body, science, time, space, finances, society……..everything. And during those times I felt angry. Bitter. Empty. Cheated. But despite these many discouragements and constant voices of doom, I never surrendered. I always believed.

There are many reasons for how and why I landed here, in my late 40’s and pregnant, standing on the precipice of becoming a first time mother. Some of the reasons are products of random chance and circumstance while others are results of pivotal life decisions I made at crucial points along the way. Life is a complex labyrinth of crossroads and detours and it does not  matter so much how or when we land someplace, as long as we finally arrive. In the late summer of 2013 I met my husband at the company where we both worked at the time. We were placed together to manage an employee crisis and from that moment onwards my life changed forever. It was love at first sight and we married 8 months later on a beach at sunset surrounded by family and friends. In the vows I wrote for our wedding I stated:  I now understand why I had to endure so many losses and heartbreaks along the way. Because I could not possibly be ready for a man like my husband, until I first learned  how to love myself and embrace my own fantastically flawed humanity. As we enter 2017 I am inspired to thank my husband, my very best friend, for loving me so fully and unconditionally and supporting me through some extremely vulnerable times. I know I would never have arrived here in this moment, without him walking beside me.

Daylight has faded and night is approaching and the holiday season has officially closed. Today I pray for a little girl with sparkling eyes who smiles and laughs in the sunshine; a child who understands how badly she was wanted and how deeply she is loved. I pray she will love and honor herself and others the same, and pause to recognize the beauty and light that always surrounds her. I pray that even when her heart feels broken and the universe seems to resist, she will continue to trust in herself, move beyond her fears and fight for her dreams. I pray that no matter how many obstacles she might encounter, she will keep pushing forward and she will always believe.

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